Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Working towards the sunshine...

I’m at 71 days…and my throat closes up a little bit when I realize it’s May. It all came crashing home when I found myself the owner of a (gorgeous, pee-by-yourself, danceable) wedding dress. I love planning events, its what I do for fun, and what I hope to be able to do as a side business eventually, so all this planning for a wedding, well, it was a wedding in theory, and the whole, "I’m the person getting married" deal hadn’t sunk in.
Lemon trees at venue that I've never been to. Picture taken by our family in Italy who kindly visited for us.

Hence throat closing at times, which is perfectly healthy right?
I keep protesting that I’m not stressed, that I’m totally handling it all, just breezing on by…but the truth is, there are moments of anxiety when I think of the length of the to do list I have. And yet another minute detail awakens me some night. And I feel frustrated because I feel like I should just be able to do it all, gracefully, and be organized and composed and laugh it all off. 

I think there’s a fallacy, that if you’re stressed then you’ve succumbed to the bride-zilla disease and that it means you care too much. I get the well meaning, “don’t stress about it, everything will work out” advice from everyone (fiancé included). I know this stuff, but its not very helpful. Our society is judgey, and we’re waiting to pop women into the “stressed out bride” box, able to write off any snappy moment to wedding nerves. And I’m fighting it. I haven’t been able to fully articulate why exactly that idea of the stressed “bride “ bothers me, but I think it has to do with the fact that assumptions are being made about how I think and feel, and what's important to me. That and the fact that I’m not a bride, except for the actual day of the wedding. I’m trying to keep it real here.

What I didn’t get going in was the sheer amount of time that this wedding would take out of my life. Just .did .not .get .it. I’m an organized detailed person, and I thought that my superior planning skills (hollow laugh) would allow me to have a chilled out ride to the wedding day.

I’ve already started to detail projects for post wedding (more on those to come).  I am excited to have huge stretches of time to focus on something other than wedding. However I am still enjoying all of this, however crazy it may be, but it’s the sheer size of the list ahead of me that is daunting.

One grace about this whole journey has been that misadventures are turned into adventures, and people astonish me with their kindness. I have had great customer service from bank tellers tracking down missing money that was sent overseas (a word of advice, just tie the money to a pigeon and throw it into the air, it has a better chance of making it to Italy). Lovely interactions with artisans who are crafting special objects, and discounts and breaks from all areas, simply because people want to be nice, and remember how tough their wedding was. I’m learning when you deal with small local businesses and people who are passionate about what they create, you can humanize the whole experience, and truly enjoy the process.

I am also surrounded by an amazing retinue of friends who are pitching in to share their incredible talents with me to make every detail personal and special….I’m just blown away by all the love.  I am so indescribably lucky to be surrounded by these wonderful individuals who are sharing their time and creativity with me, just simply to help make the picture in my head into a reality. It’s a humbling experience …and I’m working to shift my brain to focus on these moments of truth and love and to gloss over the lists of stuff.  

In my head I have pictures of my friends and family enjoying themselves under the sun in a few short months, and the sound of the sea and their laughter is what I'm working towards right now.