No More Sleeps Left!

Wedding Countdown * please ignore the ghetto presentation, I was consumed by wedding crafting to focus on making this pretty. 

Here’s a shot of what I’ve been looking at before bed each night since May…a “wedding countdown calendar” of sorts. The boy and I each took a day (he was even, I was odd) and wrote each other a little note to open before bedtime. There were memories from our relationship, and things we loved about each other. It was a great exercise in nailing down exactly why we were doing this whole wedding thing in the first place, and it contained some really beautiful surprises.  I had a moment where I had to readjust expectations…the boy is taciturn in nature, and I gush uninhibitedly. So of course my notes were mini letters, and his were three words long. It took me a few days to start listening to the love packed into those three or four words and to really get how wonderful this man is and how lucky I am to have him by my side.

The envelopes have been growing sparser day by day…

We leave for Italy today. Although the wedding is still a week and a bit away, today is the day I’ve been waiting for (technically tomorrow early afternoon when we touch down in Italy). It’s a little surreal finally being at the culmination of a moment that you’ve been planning for the last three years. I always have a moment of “pinch-me-is-this-real” when I travel. I’m a person who plans and daydreams and spends many many moments envisioning things before they are reality... so quite literally travel is always the fulfillment of a dream of some sort. I always feel so incredibly lucky that this has now become a reality, and that I get to add a string of memories to my life.

Traveling to Italy is always a return; a journey home to loved ones. Strange that this place that I’ve never lived in can feel so much like home, but I think it’s mainly the people that create that feeling. I am so incredibly blessed that the boy's family has the largest hearts and the warmest open arms.

This wedding seemed like a crazy plan…dragging so many of my loved ones half way across the planet to do something that could simply be done at home…with a lot less inconvenience and expense to all those concerned.

I know there are those that really wish they could come but aren’t able to due to a myriad of reasons. And I will so very much miss their faces on our wedding day.  I am overwhelmed by the number of people who are coming (getting on a freaking plane and flying across oceans for us!) and SO incredibly excited to create lasting memories with them in a place I love dearly.

One of my strengths is my ability to plan and organize, but it is also one of my greatest failings. I have been consciously switching off the control freak in my brain, and doing my very best to embrace every moment that happens NOW. It’s been a looooong time that I’ve been thinking about this, but if I don’t stop thinking and practice some BEING, all of this love and beauty will rush by. So my eyes and heart are wide open waiting to catch and store every beautiful joyous moment that presents itself.

I'm overwhelmed by the love surrounding us already. I can't even imagine what its going to feel like on our wedding day. 

Adventure, here we come!

Working towards the sunshine...

I’m at 71 days…and my throat closes up a little bit when I realize it’s May. It all came crashing home when I found myself the owner of a (gorgeous, pee-by-yourself, danceable) wedding dress. I love planning events, its what I do for fun, and what I hope to be able to do as a side business eventually, so all this planning for a wedding, well, it was a wedding in theory, and the whole, "I’m the person getting married" deal hadn’t sunk in.

Lemon trees at venue that I've never been to. Picture taken by our family in Italy who kindly visited for us.

Hence throat closing at times, which is perfectly healthy right?

I keep protesting that I’m not stressed, that I’m totally handling it all, just breezing on by…but the truth is, there are moments of anxiety when I think of the length of the to do list I have. And yet another minute detail awakens me some night. And I feel frustrated because I feel like I should just be able to do it all, gracefully, and be organized and composed and laugh it all off. 

I think there’s a fallacy, that if you’re stressed then you’ve succumbed to the bride-zilla disease and that it means you care too much. I get the well meaning, “don’t stress about it, everything will work out” advice from everyone (fiancé included). I know this stuff, but its not very helpful. Our society is judgey, and we’re waiting to pop women into the “stressed out bride” box, able to write off any snappy moment to wedding nerves. And I’m fighting it. I haven’t been able to fully articulate why exactly that idea of the stressed “bride “ bothers me, but I think it has to do with the fact that assumptions are being made about how I think and feel, and what's important to me. That and the fact that I’m not a bride, except for the actual day of the wedding. I’m trying to keep it real here.

What I didn’t get going in was the sheer amount of time that this wedding would take out of my life. Just .did .not .get .it. I’m an organized detailed person, and I thought that my superior planning skills (hollow laugh) would allow me to have a chilled out ride to the wedding day.

I’ve already started to detail projects for post wedding (more on those to come).  I am excited to have huge stretches of time to focus on something other than wedding. However I am still enjoying all of this, however crazy it may be, but it’s the sheer size of the list ahead of me that is daunting.

One grace about this whole journey has been that misadventures are turned into adventures, and people astonish me with their kindness. I have had great customer service from bank tellers tracking down missing money that was sent overseas (a word of advice, just tie the money to a pigeon and throw it into the air, it has a better chance of making it to Italy). Lovely interactions with artisans who are crafting special objects, and discounts and breaks from all areas, simply because people want to be nice, and remember how tough their wedding was. I’m learning when you deal with small local businesses and people who are passionate about what they create, you can humanize the whole experience, and truly enjoy the process.

I am also surrounded by an amazing retinue of friends who are pitching in to share their incredible talents with me to make every detail personal and special….I’m just blown away by all the love.  I am so indescribably lucky to be surrounded by these wonderful individuals who are sharing their time and creativity with me, just simply to help make the picture in my head into a reality. It’s a humbling experience …and I’m working to shift my brain to focus on these moments of truth and love and to gloss over the lists of stuff.  

In my head I have pictures of my friends and family enjoying themselves under the sun in a few short months, and the sound of the sea and their laughter is what I'm working towards right now.

Tying the Knot

I nearly had a mini heart attack the other day when my cousin theorized on the roots of the phrase “tying the knot”. She was wondering why I keep using those words rather than “getting married”.  And then said she thought those words originated from female bondage, some sort of idea of possession and a rope tying you to your husband etc etc.

That idea was thankfully put to rest real fast. Thank god for Google. The theory is that it originates from the practice of tying knots around the wrists of the betrothed couple during the ceremony, similar to hand fasting today, and Mexican lazo rituals.

I might still be shying away from the words “getting married” although that is most certainly what we’re doing, because it still seems like something that grown-ups do. Yes I’m aware I’m 30 years old.

I have a huge reluctance to identify myself as a bride. The squeee-ing from people who find out I am wedding planning still takes me by surprise. I think part of me still doesn’t know what to do with the exclamations of “Congratulations!” Obviously I over analyze, but what exactly am I being congratulated on? Finding the right person to spend my life with?  Hitting a traditional benchmark in life? “Snagging” my man?  

Logically I understand that I’m surrounded by people who love me and they’re just simply excited for what is a big ritual in most people’s lives. Their wishes are coming from a place of joy. Still, the crazy voice in my head wonders if I am being congratulated because I’m female, and all girls want to be brides and get married and wear pouffy white things and birds on their head, and now YAY! At long last it’s happening for me.

Yes, I should just shut the fuck up and smile and I do. It’s getting the crazy voices to stop over analyzing that I’m working on.  

WARNING!

This may be turning into a wedding blog. Or at least just for the next 8 months or so.

But I must admit that the mail is a lot more fun these days. All of the things! For me!

Sometimes an engagement puppy just doesn’t cut it

The boy and I got engaged with a puppy exchange. I had always wanted a puppy vs. a ring and he definitely delivered. I’ll share that story another day.

I wouldn’t trade my little goofball for any fancy ring; he brings me so much joy and love on a daily basis (although there was a brief period during toilet training where he peed on the hallway carpets in the apartment where I was completely ready to kill him). He LOVES to cuddle and is just an overall silly dog whose limited intellectual capacity never fails to amuse me. He tops something sparkly and pretty any day.

However there have been moments that I’m just ready to wear a wedding ring.

I was lucky enough to attend my friend Steph’s wedding in St.Lucia a few months ago, and was there was a moment when I wished whole heartedly to have a ring on my finger signifying my status as engaged/partnered/married whatever. We were out at a local “Jump up” and I was being hit on by a guy…pretty unrelentingly. This guy was persistent and of course as soon as I told him I was engaged, asked “Where’s your ring?” I knew it was coming; it’s a question I get a lot. “I don’t have a ring I have a dog” didn’t translate well in this situation, the loud music and my little voice didn’t help either. And I just wished I had a ring on my hand to get this douche bag to leave me alone. He was ruining my night with his presence.

 

(Steph and me in St.Lucia...Prince Charming in the white shirt behind me)

And really it just got me thinking about a bigger problem. Why did I need a ring to have a valid reason about not wanting to give this guy my time? Why did I need that symbol of being “taken” to legitimize my refusal? Why is it still not okay in our culture to just say “Hell no” and not be called a bitch or worse? As a woman, I still needed to show that I belonged to someone else to have my lack of interest explained and validated. I felt like an object that needed to have an owner. It made me angry and a bit sad that I was just caving in and wanted a wedding ring for all the wrong reasons.

We just got our wedding rings made by an indie jeweler. When they came in the mail it felt like all this wedding shit was now happening for real. I put it on my hand and it felt oh so strange. I have been practice wearing it when I’m alone at home so I can get used to it. And I keep thinking about the signal I’ll be sending to the world  in a few months time.
Taken. Possessed. Committed. Loved.